Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Someone stole a lamp last night.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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