dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize