dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
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