we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
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