.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
