Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
