mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
