I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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