This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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