Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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