Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Randomize
