You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
