she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
