i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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