Sponge bath it is.
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
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I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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