I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
