My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Well I just put wine in my tea
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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