Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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