I accidentally had phone sex last night
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
