hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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