having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize