Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
