i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
