So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
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Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
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Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I AM VODKA MAN
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS