my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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