last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
