I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
The best revenge is premature balding
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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