No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
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