did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
