im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
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so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
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Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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