Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
