i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
