He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
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