yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I need a beard to bite.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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