Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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