You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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