In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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