a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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