I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
