Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
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I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
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I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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