I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
