Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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