but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
