did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
She made me pour olive oil on her.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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