I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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