You just made me feel so damn special
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
so much tequila, so little girl.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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