someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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