Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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