i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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