she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
