If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
