i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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