Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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