So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Randomize
