Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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