i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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