just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
