i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
