70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
