Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
