I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
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I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
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Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.