Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.