I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.